Thursday, June 21, 2007

Reality Check

Previously on Pirate Master: 16 wannabe pirates put on crazy costumes and adopt strange accents...blah blah blah fake pirate treasure...find it...split it up unfairly. In the end only one pirate will scheme hard enough and screw enough people over to win the ultimate title of PIRATE MASTER! (seriously this has to be the longest recap ever. First they recap the premise of the show and then they recap last week's 8:04 the show actually begins.)

Cheryl, former officer, figures the show's a popularity contest. NO! Really? You're smart. And you might just be going home. Anyone who figures the game out this early, goes home.

I have a theory about these reality shows. Whoever they focus in on for the first three minutes (after the recap of course) will go home. So it's down to three people tonight. Cheryl, Sean and Jay. You already know my theory on Cheryl but my money is on Sean but only if the Black Team wins and Jay remains an officer. (quick recap, yes, more recap. Last week Jay made a pact with Sean to vote for Cheryl in Pirate's Court. Jay paid Sean $1000 and Sean didn't vote for Cheryl. This to me means that Sean will go home this week. But I could of course be all depends on who wins the treasure hunt, red team or black team)

What I love most about this show is that they really have to act like pirates. They have to clean the deck, steer the ship, eat pirate meals, and drink rum out of tin mugs.

Ok I take back my Sean vote b/c now there is a girl pirate (Nessa) seriously flirting with the boys and getting them to soak her with water. It's a pirate wet t-shirt contest. She's "using flirting to her advantage" Now all the girls hate her. Bye Bye Nessa.

Oh Holy Crap they're having crab races. They must seriously be bored.

I love this pirate Azmyth (who is the current captain)and this is why; he's from Seattle and now that he's captain he has the craziest accent. It's British, Australian, and a wee bit Southern. All in all...pretty awesome. Way to get in character Azmyth!

Oh they dropped anchor! It's time for a new treasure hunt! My question they make the host go on his own treasure hunt to find the next key that unlocks the chest of treasure maps? B/c that would be awesome...where's that footage?

There's no real method to Pirate Master's madness. They put the captain and his officers on the black team and then make everyone else pick black or red balls out of a cup. I feel like there should be more conformity. Give me dodge ball rules for picking teams. I'd love to see who would be picked last. Joe Don anyone?

This may be the most physical reality show on tv b/c they always have to row ashore and then run through the forest. It's like Survivor on crack. I'm starting to think all the treasure hunts are on the same island. I don't really think they go anywhere...even if they try to make you think they do. My friend SB thinks it's all on a sound stage.

Haha, the black team sabotaged the red team by showering coconuts on them...hidden meaning? Possibly.

You know what I miss? Treasure Hunters. At least you learned some history while watching ridiculous teams try to win. Did you ever watch Treasure Hunters? I hope they bring it back b/c it was awesome. I mean who doesn't want to see three Miss America contestants battling it our with three nerds?

(Why can't these women keep their clothes on in these challenges? One week a girl's boobs were hanging out the entire time and now Joy's pants are falling down. Now Nessa's booty is hanging out. awesome. Why is it never the men?)

Oh no, Azmyth's team messed up and ran away from the treasure. Azmyth was the only one who saw the clue and told them to run back to the beach, when they got there they didn't immediately see the treasure so they figured they were they ran all the way back to get the clue again. Now the teams are neck and neck digging in the beach. (Which is what the black team should have done in the first place. B/c why would the treasure be visible? idiots.) And...Red Team Wins! This means a new captain and new officers. Who will it be? My money...on Sean. Louie is also on the red team and he has had it in for the first captain Joe Don from the maybe all of my predictions have been wrong. Maybe Joe Don will finally go home.

Now it's time to choose a new captain and new officers and unfairly split up the treasure. Then its time to bribe everyone else to get the vote the way the 'popular' ones want it to be. You're totally right Cheryl, this is a popularity contest.

Uh oh, there is a secret compartment in the treasure chest. The treasure chest that only holds $5000. These chests usually hold upwards of $35,000. The secret compartment holds a royal pardon. This means that pirates can bid on the pardon and before the next pirate's court someone will pay for a chance not to get cut adrift. Which by the way...why the hell don't they make them walk the plank? Stupid.

Louie is the new captain! Bye Bye Joe Don! Sean and Nessa are the new officers which mean all of my predictions thus far have been completely wrong. Maybe I should go back to Cheryl?

Louie decides to split up the measly $5000 treasure. Go, Louie, Go! But now Louie and Joe Don are fighting. Basically Louie has won every challenge but hasn't got squat (he probably has about $5000) b/c he wasn't the captain or an officer. (Captain gets half the treasure, officers split a quarter of the treasure, then the rest of the team splits what is left.) So basically b/c he was the captain first and won two challenges, Joe Don is sitting on over $40,000. Pretty much everyone else has about $5000. And they only have that much b/c they have had pretty awesome captains like Azmyth and Louie who split the treasure with them. Joe Don is a selfish prick and he's totally going to get the pardon.

And the lucky black spot winners are: Azmyth, Cheryl, and Joe Don. 2 formers captains and a former officer. B/c Joe Don has a hell of a lot of money he'll easily be able to buy the pardon. Because Azmyth was a really good captain (accent and all) he won't be cut adrift. This means Cheryl will go home. Who, if you scroll back up was one of the pirates featured in the first three minutes of the show. I'm a genius. Yes, I know I originally went with Sean and my original hunch was Cheryl, but since I never go with my first hunch I chose Sean based on his shady performance last week. I'm still figuring this game out. Trust me, this show is so backwards, it's really hard.

Azmyth, since he's lost the captain role, has now lost his accent. Azmyth is such a good guy. It would be a shame to lose him. Yes he's an idiot who messed up during the challenge but he's still pretty awesome.

Cheryls' angry that she's on the chopping block, yet again. She's running her mouth. The whole team is frustrated with her. Clearly, she's going home. But wait there's still a twist...she could still win the pardon. Remember she was an officer who won 2 she's sitting on at least $10,000.

Joe Don, is also running his mouth. But he's now proclaiming his love for Captain Louie to hopefully save his ass. Piss ant.

After the ballot, the host will reveal who gets the pardon. By the way the ballot consists of four cards. One for each pirate on the chopping block and one for mutiny against the captain. They all take one ballot and jam it on a dagger. This part is actually pretty awesome. Although I'm always afraid that they'll cut themselves.

Joe Don wins the pardon by bidding $7000. Really Joe Don? Only $'re cheap and stingy.

No ballots for mutiny...yay! Good b/c I like Captain Louie.

HAHA Joe Don wasted $7000 on the pardon he didn't need...loser. Now he has to sell it before the next pirate's court. I'm pretty sure he'll be going home next week due to this new pardon rule. But only if Louie is still captain of course.

CHERYL GOES HOME! Lesson learned from this week's Pirate Master...don't run your mouth and don't figure out that this is all a popularity contest. B/c if you figure it out it means you aren't popular and yes, that's one likes you, you're going home.

Next Week on Pirate Master: The new officers Sean and Nessa butt heads. And it looks like Joe Don is actually bribing people with all his hard earned money in order to remain on the ship...we'll see if that works. My money is on NO!



A Margarita said...

Fascinating. I love Lost and Fear Factor. This show kind of reminds me of it.

Favorite line . . . "It's like Survivor on crack. " Haha!

Those were actually cute Crocs. When you said Crocs, I thought you were referring to the clog kind with holes.

Balou said...

I loved "Treasure Hunters." I hope they bring it back. I never watch Survivor or Amazing Race, but I like Pirate Master. I have the same theory: whoever they feature at the beginning of the show or who talks a lot of smack is so gone! Learned that from the Real World/Road Rules challenges.